A Dramatically (Hypo)manic March

Even my energy levels are too much – I am too energetic, and it is overwhelming but also feels good, very good.

1 March 2025

I realised I needed to process my emotions and feelings healthily instead of self-destructing at every instance of conflict. I realised I tend to blame myself a lot because if I make it my problem, it is easier for me to find closure.

2 March 2025

I’m too distracted, too overwhelmed by everything, by every little slightest human touch. My head is going in 100 different directions and it is difficult to slow these thoughts down. It feels as though I am on a highway with roads going in thousands of directions and there are lots of cars passing by and each car that passes by is one single thought. It’s chaotic in my head – I have racing thoughts for sure and sleep is also difficult. Managing day-to-day tasks seems impossible because I am distracted every second and with every new thought that passes by. I am talking fast and the thoughts that run in my head are even faster so I stutter a lot.

For sure, I am hypo/manic again and have been for almost two weeks now. I am juggling many things at once and I feel as though I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown or even psychosis. I have very grandiose delusions and overly positive thoughts about myself. It’s not just my mental state that is affected, but also my physical state. For instance, colours are more vivid and saturated, my heart is racing faster and my eyes hurt for some reason. I am more jittery and agitated and everything – even time – feels like it is going faster. Also, my vision, hearing, touch and smell are heightened. Everything is overwhelming which is why I feel like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. It’s too much – everything is too much. Even my energy levels are too much – I am too energetic, and it is overwhelming but also feels good, very good.

My psychiatrist said I should take three doses of my lorazepam every day.

Bipolar disorder is a hellish but pleasant curse!